So, you've been assigned a lesson on Chastity, lucky you

(This was given as a lesson from the Teachings of the Presidents, Ezra Taft Benson (Ch. 17) it may be adapted to whatever you need it for, but that's why it's heavy on the Benson quotes.)
(For fun, ask your closest friend to give your lesson today. She'll love it.)

What is the law of chastity? 

(You may read the quotes yourself or have someone else read them, they are all at the end of the lesson so you can copy and paste them to print if you like)

Quote 1  “The moral code of heaven is complete chastity before marriage and full fidelity after marriage.” -Ezra Taft Benson 

(Write it on the board in big, bold letters. Cause, Why not?)

We are going to explore this in two parts, first:

Complete chastity before marriage

            If you’ve already successfully made it to marriage, congratulations.  You may think that this is where you tune out for 20 minutes and play words with friends until I get to something that applies to you.  Think again.  Do you have children?  Grandchildren?  Are you interested in teaching them about the law of chastity.  Then maybe you should listen in. 

            The lesson manual suggests that I start this lesson with 2 object lessons. The first
 involved passing around a plate with some gum for you all, some chewed up and some still wrapped. Then, acting all surprised when none of you chose the chewed up gum.  I chose not to do this.  Partly because it’s gross and partly because I think this is a bad analogy, but mostly because I believe this is a terrible way of teaching.  If you think I'm not going to elaborate, you clearly don't know me well.  

First reason: Gum that is chewed up can’t be unchewed.  It’s trash and dirty and we throw it away.  This isn’t true of people when we make mistakes, even serious ones.

Quote 2; 

"Do you understand the consummate cleansing power of the atonement made by the Son of God, our Savior, our Redeemer, who said, “I, God, have suffered these things for all that they might not suffer if they would repent”? (D&C 19:16.) I know of no sin connected with transgression of the moral law which cannot be forgiven, assuming, of course, full and complete repentance.  I know of no more beautiful words in all of revelation than these. “The same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.”  -  Boyd K. Packer
Remember them no more, I love that phrase and am so grateful for it.

But it is very important to remember that people aren't garbage, even if they don't repent.

Second Reason:  This style of teaching is guilt based; teaching that you will feel and be dirty if you sin.  Even if we feel guilt when we sin, this shouldn’t be our motivation for not sinning.  We should keep the law of chastity out of respect for our bodies and the covenant of marriage. 

Third Reason: I can tell you from experience that this is a particularly harmful way of teaching for victims of sexual assault.  Currently this is 1 in 5 American women, half of these occur before the age of 18.

The second object lesson is about modesty, it involves calling three women up and giving them each a bag of m&m’s: one unopened, one opened and one dumped directly into their hands. Then asking which woman is likely to eat the m&m’s. Then to explain that when we dress immodestly we are tempting those around us and ourselves to behave impurely. I don’t like this lesson either. Here’s why. Let’s take this object lesson a little further. Say you are sitting at a table, there are three bags of m&m’s in front of you, one unopened, one opened and one dumped on the table. I explain that these are my m&m’s you can’t have them without my permission. That doing so would hurt me deeply, is against the law and violates my rights as a human being. Which bag do you eat?

Under what circumstance would you not be at fault for eating the m&m’s without my permission?

What if you are very, very hungry?

What if you are super cool and the m&m’s should be honored to be eaten by you?

What if someone else has already eaten some m&m’s?

What if your friend offers to help you eat the m&m’s?

What if the m&m’s are unconscious and won’t notice?

What if the m&m’s are under 18?

I hope you see where I am going with this. The problem with this object lesson is that, turns out, women are not m&m’s. We are people, not sexual objects. This analogy very literally objectifies people. Specifically victims. While keeping the aggressors human. We deserve to be treated better than a tasty snack. We deserve to be treated human. AND we deserve to be treated that way regardless of the clothes we wear. The mentality that dressing a certain way ‘causes’ others to have impure thoughts is dangerous. It is the fault of the impure thinker (and society for constantly sexualizing women.) The truth is some people will have impure thoughts about people dressed in shapeless head-to-toe bags.

Of course I want my children (my daughter AND my sons) to be modest, but this is so much more than what they wear. I want them to be modest in their manner, in their dress, in their words and in their self-control. I want them to treat others with the respect they deserve as a children of God, regardless of what they choose to wear. We are so much more than our clothes.

Of course, this is MUCH harder to teach than how to cover your body so that it isn’t offensive to others, but it is way more important.

President Benson called sexual immorality the “plaguing sin of this generation”  He further said "No sin is causing the loss of the Spirit of the Lord among our people more today than sexual promiscuity. It is causing our people to stumble, damning their growth, darkening their spiritual powers and making them subject to other sins." This seems pretty bleak. While I think it is important, I am hopeful it is not quite as bad as all that. Regardless, this is clearly a lesson that must be taught. But how?

Elder Matthew O. Richardson said "As the world drowns in immorality, there is still hope for future generations. This hope centers on parents devoting their best efforts to teaching the rising generation to be virtuous and chaste."  So, no pressure.

How do we do this? First of all I wondered why they choose to become sexually active in the first place.  So I read a few surveys of teens and these were some of the top reasons they gave and how I think we can counter them.

(This is a long list, cover the ones you feel are pertinent or that you have time for, only please don't skip self esteem)

1. Peer pressure Many young people feel great pressure from other teenagers to become sexually active.  In fact this is the number one reason that teens have sex.  Teens do not want to be different or be rejected by their friends. Teens with low self-esteem are particularly vulnerable to peer pressure.

 I think self esteem is particularly important.  Many young women already suffer from low self esteem, and according to a 2002 study by IU “Young girls with high self-esteem were less likely to engage in early sexual activity,” while the converse was true for young men. 

Teaching self esteem is hard. I know I don't have all the answers. But we can start by not comparing our young women to cupcakes and gum and other objects. In these analogies it is always the young woman that is the object and the young man that ruins the object. This is so harmful for both. I think that teaching respect for ourselves and others is where we begin.

We should give special attention to our divine origin and purpose.  D&C 18:10  "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." 

Quote 3

“Disciples of Jesus Christ know that a person’s true value has little to do with what the world holds in high esteem. … The Lord uses a scale very different from the world’s to weigh the worth of a soul” – Dieter Uchtdorf

Interestingly, most research indicates that having a good relationship with her father is key to the development of a woman's positive self esteem.

"Women become who they are because of how their fathers treated them and the women around them." -Kristen Houghton

I love this excerpt about self worth from "10 Things I Want to Tell Teenage Girls" by Kate Connor.

"10 You are beautiful. You are enough. The world we live in is twisted and broken and for your entire life you will be subjected to all kinds of lies that tell you that you are not enough. You are not thin enough. You are not tan enough. You are not smooth, soft, shiny, firm, tight, fit, silky, blonde, hairless enough. Your teeth are not white enough. Your legs are not long enough. Your clothes are not stylish enough. You are not educated enough. You don’t have enough experience. You are not creative enough.

There is a beauty industry, a fashion industry, a television industry, (and most unfortunately) a pornography industry: and all of these have unique ways of communicating to bright young women: you are not beautiful, sexy, smart or valuable enough.

You must have the clarity and common sense to know that none of that is true. None of it.

You were created for a purpose, exactly so. You have innate value. You are loved more than you could ever comprehend; it is mind-boggling how much you are adored. There has never been, and there will never be another you. Therefore, you have unique thoughts to offer the world. They are only yours, and we all lose out if you are too fearful to share them.

You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are enough."

-Kate Connor

I beg of you not to overlook the importance of self worth when teaching chastity.

2. Pressure from a partner The inability to say “NO” is the number two reason that teens get involved in sexual activity.  It is difficult to say “NO” especially to someone we care about.  Practicing refusal skills can enable teens to have the self-confidence to effectively say “NO”. 

Quote 4

“The invitation, “If you love me, you will let me,” exposes a major flaw in character. It deserves the reply: “If you really loved me, you would never ask me to transgress. If you understood the gospel, you couldn’t!” –Elder Boyd K. Packer
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends preparing teens for these situations. "They may also feel the internal pressure to keep pace with their friends, as if competing in a marathon to lose their virginity. One way of helping them resist these pressures is to anticipate them and discuss them." What? Talk to your kids about sex? Yes!

3.  Sexual attraction We are sexual beings so it's natural that we are sexually attracted to others. Hormone pressure in teens is very real and can produce intense sexual desires.  However, these urges are controllable. Human beings have the power to choose whether or not to have sex. I feel it is important to teach teens that these feelings are normal, not something to be embarrassed about or ashamed of.
"When teaching your child about sexuality, why not accentuate the advantages of delaying sexual intercourse instead of harping on the potentially adverse consequences? It’s the same message, only framed in a more positive light. You might begin by acknowledging that physical intimacy between two loving adult partners is beautiful and joyful, while also warning about the perils of experience that comes too early." -American Academy of Pediatrics

4. Social and media pressure We are constantly bombarded with sexual messages in the movies, TV shows, magazine ads, and billboards. The producers of these messages are taking advantage of our responsiveness to sexual stimuli to make a profit. Of course, they often fail to include information about any of the consequences of sex such as disease or pregnancy.  It’s not easy to resist this constant sexual bombardment.

Quote 5

“ Morality is no longer a measure of character for prominent role models for our youth—the politicians, the athletes, the entertainers.” – Elder Boyd K. Packer

5. Desire to be seen by others as "normal" Teens mistakenly think that “everyone is doing it”.  The truth is that the majority of teens (54%) graduate high school as virgins.

6. Parental example of permissiveness Just as there are some parents who have a problem with abuse of alcohol or drugs, some parents abuse sex. It's natural for young people to be influenced by their parents' example.  Read page 225

7. The desire to be loved Guys use love to get sex and girls use sex to get love.  Girls often give in to the lines and sexual advances of guys believing that they will receive love in return. 

Quote 6

“If you wish your children to be taught in the principles of the gospel, if you wish them to love the truth and understand it, if you wish them to be obedient to and united with you, love them! and prove … that you do love them by your every word and act to[ward] them” (President Joseph F. Smith)

Ok.  So hopefully there’s something helpful in there.  Now, we’ve made it to marriage.  So, does the law of chastity apply to us anymore? 

Full Fidelity after Marriage

So, clearly that means not committing adultery.  But is that it?

I don’t think so.  Does full fidelity simply mean not cheating on your spouse?  Not surprisingly, I have an opinion on this.  I think it means more.  Fidelity means faithfulness.  Have you ever heard the phrase Semper Fi?  Do you know it’s meaning?  It is most commonly associated with the Marine Corps. As one Marine put it Semper Fidelis means always faithful, and always able to count on your fellow Marines—while in the Marine Corps and for a lifetime. Full fidelity should have a similar meaning in marriage:

Fidelity means support.  Be there for your spouse.  Always. 

Fidelity means you don’t say bad things about them to your friends.  Ever.

Fidelity means honesty.  Be sure you have open, honest communication about everything, all the time.

Fidelity means love.

Of course I don’t just want to gloss over the intimacy issue either.  I just wanted to get those simpler ones out of the way first.  Sexual fidelity has a huge role in marital happiness.   It is the third most common reason for divorce.  Elder Benson gives a few tips for staying faithful.

How to stay faithful to your spouse, a common sense guide by Ezra Taft Benson and Me 

President Benson recommends: (read page 221 (1) titles and first lines, you can elaborate on these, but I chose not to as many of them are self explanatory and I was running out of time:) Clean Thoughts; Prayers for Strength; Avoid Improper Situations; Healthful, positive activities; Be modest. Modesty is not just how you dress, it is how you speak and act as well, we need to remember that modesty applies to men as much as it does to women.

I would add this advice as well:
-Communicate
-Don't use intimacy as a tool to get what you want or win an argument
    This bit of advice came from my mission president's wife and was probably the best advice I received
    Quote 7
     “Tenderness and respect—never selfishness—must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other’s needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord”—President Howard W. Hunter
-Be sure both partners in a marriage have these basic human needs met.

Sometimes I forget how much I need intimacy, too.  It’s easy to forget.  I love this article that reminds me:

 “Being a mother, one of the ultimate expressions of womanhood, can often leave a girl feeling stripped of her femininity. There is something about being covered in spit up and attending to the every need of another human being that makes one feel distinctly gender neutral. Most of my days are spent playing with dolls, wiping baby food off of my clothes, changing diapers, wiping snot off of my clothes, going to the park, and wiping what-the-heavens-is-that off of my clothes. There is something restorative about kissing the boy you love. There are times in my husband’s arms when I remember who I am before I even realize I have forgotten. Yes, I am a cook, cleaner, teacher, and wiper of all things disgusting. But I am also something more, something delightful and completely apart from my roles. I am a woman! It is a lovely thing, finding yourself through the touch of someone else.

You need to have a moment in each day that is just about the two of you. Remember that boy? The one that made your heart thump and hands sweat? The one that called when you hoped he would, that made you fly up to the stars until you thought you would never come down? He is still there. Under the years and bills and worries, that smiling boy is still in love with and needs his smiling girl. Every night after the kids go to bed is a chance to find him again. A moment to remind yourself that you are living a picket fenced adventure and my goodness, there is nothing the two of you can't do.

So, tonight put the kids to bed. Leave the dishes in the sink and the floors unswept. They will wait. Take a moment to remember that you are the girl you hoped you would be and then go find that boy and remind him that he is the man you knew he could be."  -Meg Conley

(Ok, that's it, good luck!)

1.     “The moral code of heaven is complete chastity before marriage and full fidelity after marriage.” (Ezra Taft Benson)

     2.   Do you understand the consummate cleansing power of the atonement made by the Son of God, our Savior, our Redeemer, who said, “I, God, have suffered these things for all that they might not suffer if they would repent”? (D&C 19:16.) I know of no sin connected with transgression of the moral law which cannot be forgiven, assuming, of course, full and complete repentance.  I know of no more beautiful words in all of revelation than these. “The same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.”  -  Boyd K. Packer 

3.     “Disciples of Jesus Christ know that a person’s true value has little to do with what the world holds in high esteem. … The Lord uses a scale very different from the world’s to weigh the worth of a soul” – Dieter Uchtdorf

     4. “The invitation, “If you love me, you will let me,” exposes a major flaw in character. It deserves the reply: “If you really loved me, you would never ask me to transgress. If you understood the gospel, you couldn’t!” –Elder Boyd K. Packer

      5. “ Morality is no longer a measure of character for prominent role models for our youth—the politicians, the athletes, the entertainers.” – Elder Boyd K. Packer

6.     “If you wish your children to be taught in the principles of the gospel, if you wish them to love the truth and understand it, if you wish them to be obedient to and united with you, love them! and prove … that you do love them by your every word and act to[ward] them” (President Joseph F. Smith)

      7. “Tenderness and respect—never selfishness—must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other’s needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord”—President Howard W. Hunter